How to find yourself again is not an easy journey. On your journey, you must be honest, and I have been brutally honest while on my journey.

You have been in hiding for so long that even you do not know who you are. Let me tell you a story here.

I hid behind a mask for years. I was in so much pain on the inside but on the outside, I looked happy and loving life. I knew how to fake happiness and satisfaction.

Hiding behind a mask

One day I remember like it was yesterday.

 A woman came up to me and asked me “who are you?” I said “Melissa”. She tells me “no, who are you”. For the life of me, could not think of what to say.

If someone were to ask you “who are you”? Could you answer them? Would you be able to tell them your likes, dislikes, dreams, values, hopes, or goals? I would probably say no you could not.

That is okay. Do not get down on yourself. That is why I am here and have made this blog for that very reason.

To find you again and to find that person you know is deep down inside wanting to come out but scared so you throw up a mask.

I get it. You do not want to get hurt because you have put your guard and mask down so many times and guess what you got hurt.

I get it. Trust me I totally get it. Getting hurt really sucks. It is one thing to have physical pain because that will heal. However, emotional pain does not heal as fast.

If you want to find yourself and truly find out what makes you tick.

Will, you are going to have to put down the mask and the guard slowly. This will not happen overnight so take it easy on yourself through this process.


You are going to feel a lot of different emotions going through this process.

I am telling you this, so you are not caught off guard about this. You are going to want to cry, laugh, yell, and shout. Some days you may go through every single one of those.

I did not plan on this heading being in the post. I, however, do not want you to be surprised or confused by all the emotions you will feel finding yourself.

A girl holding her pig tails out to the side and a smaller version of the woman in the shadow behind her like a inner child

Get in Touch with Your Inner Child

When getting in touch with your inner child I would suggest getting professional help while you explore this. A professional could be a therapist, mentor, coach, etc.

When I worked on my inner child I had a therapist and a mentor. I am not saying you need to have two professionals, I just did.

I am not going to go into inner child work much because I still do not completely understand it. I do know that I had a scared inner child from traumatic events.

One was when I was 8 and the other, I was 14 years old. So, my therapist told me that as an adult I try to protect those two when a triggering event happens.

I turn to anger to protect those two. I have done a lot of inner child work, and it helped me learn so much about myself.

I learned what my triggers were that made me turn to anger for no reason.

I learned how to control anger and how to protect the inner child without turning to anger.

Doing inner child work is hard. You must go back to traumatic events and work on the trauma that stunned your growth at that time.

You need to be in a safe place and with safe people as you do this work. Do not do this type of work with the person that caused you the trauma.

The inner child in you will not really come out and talk about the events that happen and it could be more harmful than good if you talk to the abuser about your inner child.

Get professional help with this so if you go into an episode of remembering, and you go back to that moment you are in a safe place. I cannot express this enough.

Become More Aware of Your Thoughts

We have hundreds of thousands of thoughts a day. Our thoughts can affect our moods. If you are thinking of something positive and happy then you will feel more positive and happy.

If you are thinking sad and negative thoughts then chances are, you are feeling sad and negative.

We all have sad and negative thoughts. We cannot help it we are human and that is what our mind was designed to do.

However, when you are having sad and negative thoughts you do not have to stay stuck on them.

Change the way you are thinking. Let the thought come and acknowledge the thought then let it go.

When we become aware of our thoughts more, we can become more positive and happier.

I am not saying that you must be happy and positive all the time because that is not realistic.

At the same time do not get stuck in the negative and sad for days that are not good either.

At first, write your thoughts down as they come. Now I know you cannot write every single thought that you think but do write the ones down that seem to be stuck in your head.

Become aware if you are thinking more negative than positive, if you are then how can you fix that? Learn what it is that you are entertaining in your mind.

This helps you find yourself by becoming more aware of your thoughts and how your thoughts are affecting your mood.

trust your intution wrote on napkin

Follow your Intuition

Intuition is hard to explain and not everybody agrees with intuition. The best way I know how to explain it is that it is your inner voice.

It is the feeling that tells you not to go into an abandoned building because it is not safe or to not let someone get too close to you.

I have ignored my intuition many times and regret it every time. I used to get in horrible abusive relationships and the whole time my inner voice is telling me to get away and to do it fast.

I have since learned to listen to my intuition and if it tells me something is not safe then I do not do it or talk to the person anymore.

This did not happen overnight it took a lot of practice such as meditating and mindfulness.

Accept Yourself

This was a huge one for me. How was I supposed to accept myself when I did not even like myself? I could barely look in the mirror because I hated the person that looked back at me.

This is one of the hardest things to do and takes a lot of courage. Today I can look at the woman in the mirror and love her and know she makes mistakes she is human after all.

This will not happen at night. You will need to go to the mirror daily and look in the mirror and say, “I love you and I accept you”. This will be extremely uncomfortable at first.

This probably sounds so stupid to do.

However, this is an especially important step in finding yourself again. How will you ever find yourself and find your path if you cannot even accept yourself?

We are so quick to love and accept others. We know their faults and their bad side still we love them and accept them.

That is how you need to be about yourself.

Yes, we have messed up, we have hurt people, and people have hurt us that is in the past and not doing us any good to remember if it holds us back from loving ourselves.

Trust me I get it. It is hard to accept yourself for who you are as a person. This must happen though for the journey to continue in finding yourself again.

So go to the mirror and say, “I love you and I accept you”.

strength wrote on a rock

Celebrate Your Strengths

When I say strength here, I do not mean your physical strength. I mean your internal strengths such as trustworthiness, patience, honesty, creativity, respectfulness, discipline, determination, dedication, etc.

You have been through so much in your life that being able to stand back and find your strengths is especially important.

You may have been stripped of everything by someone else’s words. Being called stupid, dumb, ugly, and so many other negative words.

You do have strengths that you need to write down until you believe them. They are maybe small right now to you, but they really are a big thing to have.

To find yourself again you need to celebrate all of your strengths.

Learn what makes you feel vulnerable

If you have been in a horrible relationship and one that was very abusive then you learned how to hide your vulnerability.

You had to if you did not want to be hurt worse by showing what made you vulnerable.

To find yourself again you need to remember what made you vulnerable. You may have pushed them so far down that you do not even know anymore.

If you are in a safe place now and away from your abuser then show yourself what makes you vulnerable.

I did not know this about myself until after I was in a safe place in my life but taking a shower makes me feel very vulnerable.

I feel that anything could happen to me while I shower, and I would have no way to defend myself.

In knowing this and being safe now I enjoy my showers again.

I used to rush through a shower, and I mean maybe I would take 5 minutes to shower and rush to hurry through getting in and out of the shower.

Now I take about a 15-to-20-minute shower. I can enjoy the hot water again. I would have never known this if I had not let myself show and learn what made me vulnerable.

Even something as small as taking a shower was learning about myself again. It does not have to be something big you learn about yourself every time.

Just learn what makes you feel vulnerable. You will become that much closer to learning about yourself.

negative self talk

ID Self Negative Talk

There was a time in your life that someone was there to talk negatively to you every day all day. So, what did you start doing will you started believing it then you started doing it to yourself?

Does this sound like you? I know that is how I started negative self-talk.

It will not be easy to do but stop it. Stop hurting yourself and talking down to yourself.

You are probably thinking will Melissa that is easier said than done. You would be correct about that.

To start I want you to write down every time you think something negative of yourself. No matter where you are or what you are doing (will if driving or something like that then do not) write it down.

After you write it down, I want you to write something positive about yourself.

This will eventually become second hand to replace the negative with something more positive.

We do not need to beat ourselves up with our own words.

Whatever your abuser said to you was not true. They needed to put you down, so they felt better about themselves.

So, please be nice to yourself and only say kind words to yourself.

Express Yourself

Express yourself every chance you get. This way you can learn who you are exactly. You have been in an abusive relationship there is no way that you could express yourself.

Your abuser would have never wanted this. They would want you to act and talk a certain way. Their way.

Do something creative that helps you express who you really are. You do not have to get out the arts and crafts to do this.

You can express yourself with music, what you wear as clothing, hair color, make-up, social group, and the list goes on.

Somehow find ways to express yourself daily to be able to find out who you are.

Don’t Worry What Others Think

When you are finding yourself and trying out new things do now worry what others think.

There is going to be people that have an opinion on everything that you do and/or try.

Do not let someone else’s opinion stop you from trying out new things.
You have had to listen to someone’s opinion about everything you did, and that person did not have your best interest at heart.

Learn More About Yourself

I know this one may sound funny to you. I know that I thought it was kind of funny because I knew who I was.

I was so wrong. There is so much that you can learn about yourself.

Learn your values, your strengths, the mission for life, what you want out of life, and you can not do any of this until you are quiet and listen.

Ask others that are safe about you.

I learned so much about myself when I started asking others about me and what I was like.

Please though make sure you ask a safe person.

forgive yourself

Forgive Yourself

This is a big one in finding yourself again.  Learn to forgive yourself.

We all make mistakes and some are bigger than others. The important part you can do though is forgiven yourself for them.

We are so fast at forgiving others, but we will beat ourselves up over anything we do wrong.

Find A Hobby You Love

Find something you can do with your extras time that you love doing. A hobby costs money or it could be something that is free to do.

Let me list some hobbies for you in case you are drawing a blank on what to do as a hobby.




 making greeting cards

stamp collecting

 collect different types of music

 collecting books

 building a dollhouse

 make a quilt

sewing, knitting

 needle work



beer tasting

wine tasting





collecting baseball or football cards




 candle making

making bath soap

 card games

 board games

cleaning, dance

Find one or more hobbies that you enjoy doing and do them on your free time.

Learn from Your Mistakes

We all make mistakes. Make sure that when you do though that you learn from your mistake.

Try not to make the same mistake again.

I know there are times though that I make the same mistake twice. I try not to make it more than twice.

What do you love to do

What do you love to do? Go and do it. Whatever it is ( as long as it is legal) then go out and do it. Let me back up for a minute.

There are some things that will hurt you more than help, so please use your judgement on this.

If you will regret that you have done it later then you should probably not do it. Anything else is an okay and free game to do.


Go on an Adventure

When  I say go on an adventure I do not mean that you have to pack up your car, spend money, and go somewhere.

You can go to the mountains for the day or if you do not live near the mountains, then go to the beach, to the nearest city, nearest tourist attraction by where you live.

My best adventures were literally just a trip that was to the mountains. I live right by the mountains though. One of the other great trips I have had is a day at the park.

Just go out and do something fun.

Dream Big

Dream big now follow your dreams. I had a dream that wants to become a full-time blogger. I am not a full-time blogger yet but I am blogging.

You do not have to complete your dream in a day, week, month, or even year. Just start somewhere on your dream.

You can have a small or big dream just go after it. Once you complete a dream then get another dream. It helps you find out who you are.

Do not stay in your comfort zone

The Comfort zone helps you to grow. So today and each day do something rather it is big or small and gets out of your comfort zone.

Higher Power

You will need a higher power to help you on your journey of finding yourself.

I choose to call my higher power God and I pray daily to him, sometimes more than once a day.

Just find something more powerful than you.

Here are Some Quick Tips To Finding Yourself

You have the power to do anything you want

Remember ask for help when your journey gets rough

Start relying on yourself

Give yourself a clean slate

Get organized

Find your passion

Find a life coach or mentor

Not everyone is going to like you

Leave negative people

Be ready for failure

Be of service to others


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  1. Amazing article, Melissa! You got me at “do what you want to do.. as long as it’s legal” 😂
    I love how you put the table of contents for your readers.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I let my personality show more in that post. I really enjoyed writing that post.

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